So this is what you call love?
by xsparklyglitterx
Summary: Remus thinks about his growing feelings towards Tonks, and wonders whether their relationship will ever grow. RL/NT you could call it AU but not that much.


So this is what love feels like

I don't own Harry Potter.

So this is what love feels like. I had always thought love was a happy, positive feeling. So why am I trying my best to hide from it? Why do I have to practically run a mile every time she comes near, and reject her obvious feelings for me? Sometimes, after I've had a firewhiskey or two, I plan to tell her. I think of the most romantic way to admit my love. But then reality hits me and I remember who I really am. Remus Lupin. Too old, too poor, too dangerous. Tonks deservers someone better. Someone like Charlie Weasley, a whole man, who could probably give her twice the life I could.

I am pulled from my thoughts by a soft tapping on my window. Anticipation runs through me. I have been waiting for the results of my most recent job interview. Falling back into the ancient patched armchair I open the letter and start to read. Momentarily I feel disappointment, as it is not a letter securing my future job but a letter from Molly Weasley. Undoubtedly trying to secure myself and Tonk's future wedding.

_Remus,_

_I'm having a small get together on Saturday and I was hoping that you would like to join us. We haven't seen you for such a long time. Does 5:00 suit you?_

_Love, _

_Molly Weasley_

Tonks would be there. That meant more whispered arguments about our none-existent relationship, and I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to reject her. Deciding that Molly would be deeply offended if I turned down her invitation, I quickly scrawled a positive reply.

Sighing I leaned back into my armchair. The room was pleasantly warm, being well into June, and darkness was beginning to fall. My small flat had a shabby, but welcoming feel to it. Most of my furniture I acquired not long after leaving Hogwarts and it held fond memories of happier times. Old newspapers and books clutter the flat. I have been meaning to sort it out for ages, but never got around to it, always finding something of more relevance to do with my time.

I looked at the clock on my kitchen wall. It was half four, half an hour before I had to go. My mind wandering to what excuse I was going to give Tonks, as to why I had been avoiding her, and sending uninformative replies in contrast to her essay style letters.

I don't know why, but I'm starting to sweat. As I gather my wallet and my keys, I think about feigning illness, but I can't come up with a believable excuse. Kicking the clutter that covered my slightly threadbare carpet, I locked the door and disapperated away.

"Remus! It's been too long since I last saw you!" Molly Weasley engulfed me into a motherly hug, and led me to the garden.

Molly's 'small gathering' appeared to be practically the whole of the order, her children, Harry, and Hermione. Harry looked relaxed and healthy which I took as a very good sign. The impending war worried me, as Harry had lost more than most, and I really couldn't bear to watch him loose anymore.

"Remus," a tired, feminine voice called. "It's been such a long time since I last saw you, have you been busy?"

Turning around, I saw young women, with mousy brown hair. Tonks. What had happened to her bright pink hair, and glowing complexion? Why did she no longer look like the happy young women that she used to be?

"Yes Tonks, I have indeed been busy. Order stuff, you know."

"Yes, been rather busy lately hasn't it?"

There was a pregnant pause, were neither of us could quite find the right words. Would it be rude of me to ask her about her change in appearance? Women were rather sensitive about these things, but then again, she might be angry that I didn't comment on her new hairstyle.

"I… like your new hair colour. What made you change?"

"I've been having a bit of trouble with my Metamorphing at the moment. Doesn't seem to be wanting to change at the moment." She attempted to smile, but it didn't quite seem to reach her eyes. "I'm just going to go and speak to Bill. Ginny said he wanted to talk to me."

She walked off in a daze. I wondered if she was really going to find Bill, or was just trying to avoid me.

I hadn't been in the Weasley garden before, and decided to have a good look around. In one part of the garden, what seemed to be various types of vegetable were growing. On the other side of the garden, strange wild flowers were growing out of control around the garden. The garden itself was vast, and Mrs. Weasley had set out a table of various home cooking items.

Heading over to the table, I hadn't realized how hungry I was. My culinary skills are somewhat limited to cheese on toast, and my mouth was watering at the vast display of foods set before me. I saw Mrs. Weasley heading towards me.

"Remus dear, are you having a good time?" She asked.

"Yes, thank you Molly. This food really is delicious; I haven't eaten like this, for a long time."

"Oh, you are sweet!"

Her voice dropped, and she whispered, "I need to talk to you inside Remus. It's rather important."

Following her inside, I wonder what's so important that she wanted to speak to me in private. We entered her cluttered, but clean kitchen, and she beckoned for me to sit down on one of the many wooden dining room chairs.

"It's about Tonks, Remus."

Comprehension dawned on me, and I was going to blurt out another excuse, but she silenced me.

"She's been so depressed lately, that she's been having trouble with her metamorphing, and I don't suppose, you have realized why she's acting the way that she is?"

"I have no idea, Molly. I thought it might have something to do with the battle a few months back, and Sirius…"

I trailed off. I didn't want to talk about Sirius. The man had been metaphorically dead to me for thirteen years, and during that thirteen years, I hadn't felt a tinge of sadness, believing him to be a traitor. However for some reason unbeknown to me, his death came as a great shock to me, and hurt much more than Lily, or James'.

"Well I'm sure that hasn't helped Remus… but the reason she's depressed is because of your constant rejection."

"Oh Molly, we've been through this countless times before. You know that it would be impossible to for me to have a relationship with Tonks, what with my condition and all."

"You can't keep using that as an excuse Remus! She doesn't care about the fact that you're a werewolf, the only person who is making that an issue is you, now; maybe you could make her a little bit happier by at the very least pretending to be her friend, instead of ignoring her?"

Molly always had an uncanny knack of making me feel like I was eleven again. I agreed, but I'm not sure if it's a very good idea. For Molly's sake, and Tonks' at that, I will attempt at being civil with her. Making my way towards her, I couldn't help but feel a small smile grace my feature, and for a moment, thought that our relationship had a real chance of working out.

Just a one shot to help me get over my writer's block that I'm having on my other story, hopelessly devoted. Hope you enjoyed it.


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